Religion. Rules. Laws. Programs.
I have been through enough to save you a lifetime of pain by sharing with you the obstacle I overcame. Some took me a few years, others took me over a decade. I lived life by not paying attention. I just did what seemed like it could get me through another day. I just wanted to get through another day. I used my body to feel. I used alcohol not to feel. I used ecstasy to come from a place of love because truth is I had no idea what it meant to come from love. My life was not filled with love. My life was filled with lonely, painful memories that I just wanted to let go of.
My husband will tell anyone
Yvette is never a victim. She always tries to understand her role, her lesson.
That probably comes from my disbelief that I mattered. It also came from my belief that we are students of life and that with every trauma, every darkness there is an opportunity for growth. I’m not sure what makes one person able to overcome trauma possible or not possible for others. All I know is that the people I have met along the way that inspire me because of their story have all decided they wanted to live life differently. They wanted to live life more than just another day. They yearned to feel and grow. That’s what I wanted. I wanted to feel my life as I came closer to my life’s purpose.
What got me through each moment, taking me from a high school drop-out to a college undergraduate from a narcissist to true love and from numbing to awake was the simple fact that I did not want to live just another day. I wanted my days to be filled with new opportunities, new growth and new lessons. I knew this because when my days were just another day, I would find ways to stir the pot so that I can keep on going.
I choose to be homeless than to lose the narcissist I thought I loved.
I choose to drink and do drugs to be comfortable in my skin.
I suffered with so much anxiety that I weighed 80lbs most of my teens and 20’s. I couldn’t keep food down, so I just didn’t eat much. My stomach was always in knot, my head was always filled with thoughts of suicide, jealousy, and pain. Lot’s of pain.
I thought that this is the way I was suppose to live. There was no one that could tell me any different.
And if you gave me rules, I would go against them.
When I was 24 years old, I received a call from the FBI. They asked that I go to my parents house and stay there. They wanted to talk to me and my mom privately. So I did. And when they called they said
Things around your boyfriend and his friends are about to get ugly. You don’t belong there. We know that you’re going to school and working hard. We are asking that you stay with your parents for a while. Don’t leave. Keep far away. All of your friends are about to have their life change. We’ve warned you. Please listen.
There was a feeling in me that someone actually thought I was worthy of saving. Yes that’s how sick I was. I actually smiled thinking
Wow, my parents are worried so they care. The FBI think I’m worthy of saving. So maybe?
The narcissist I called “my boyfriend” had been arrested by the FBI a few weeks later. He was released on bail and what did I do, yup went right over to him. I begged him to let me in his life. And what did he do, he begged me to leave. He told me I was worth more than jail. Some of the girlfriends were arrested and had to do time. But me, I was spared. And instead of appreciating it, I stepped right into the danger thinking
Had I not been loyal enough to “my boyfriend” for them to see they should’ve arrested me too. I will stay here with him and prove my love and he will see that I am the one for him. That I am worthy of his love.
Finally things started to settle down and he was given the opportunity to stay free for now. And me, I was left alone. But I still wanted his love and rules just don’t fly with me. I didn’t care that jail was a possibility I was not going to listen. I needed it to come from authenticity. I needed to know that when I did something it was from my true self. The one that has been through the journey it takes to know the difference between doing and not doing.
Imagine, I cared so little about playing by the rules that I was willing to go to be homeless or go to jail. I now know why that is. It’s not a simple answer but I came up with two reasons
- self confidence
- need to feel
Consider the things you’ve done in the past that were to get yourself to feel something, maybe the sex you had or the drugs you took. Or maybe think of the relationships you have that make you feel badly about yourself. That is due to the need to feel and no self confidence. To fix this, you must know where it comes from and create daily detox rituals to get rid of the habits that limit your ability to see your true greatness. This is why people hold on to weight or work hard to let go of weight. This is why people have anxiety and stress because they don’t trust and they don’t feel or they feel too much.
It took me this past year to realize I have had a lifetime of pain and discomfort to get me to learn my lessons and how to bring in daily rituals to keep me grounded, coming from a space of gratitude not victim. There are times in my life that I refrain from alcohol for a week, a month or 120 days because that’s what my mind needs to get me to reach my next level of my growth. I bring in movement practices like 22 days of 22 push-ups or 33 days of 3 minute planks. All of these things challenge my body and mind so that I can keep building the strength, confidence and clarity I need to let go of the toxic habits that no longer serve.
I can help you build your rituals so that you too can see your way out of patterns that just don’t work for your lifestyle goals. Let’s connect!!