A few days ago I spent my day moving my insurance paperwork from my desk to my bed, to my countertop, to my bag and back to my desk. I am noticing that as I pass the papers from one place to another there is an anxiety in my head on the process that needs to happen for these documents to be complete. I am not sure what the process is, but something needs to happen. What is the outcome that I want? Truthfully, for this to disappear so that I can focus on the things I want to do.
Since last year I have been on a journey of figuring out why it is that I struggle with anxiety? Why do I forget things so easily? Why can’t I read a book that I so want to read? And why is it that as organized as I am some days, others I am totally out of control? I went to my Gynecologist, my internist, my therapist, my dermatologist and my coach to help me make sense of what didn’t seem to be making sense. It has been 6 months since I gave up drinking alcohol, 2 years since I closed Joulebody Cleanse and 2 years since my BF passed away. That’s a lot of the stuff that was keeping me in a total state of anxiety and stress, a feeling that I was familiar with. A peaceful state of mind is something I only touched upon after meditation, exercising, and sometimes at bedtime, other than that I pretty much managed my life from the place of needing not wanting.
Without my BF and my wine (or martini, depends on the night) I was able to hear what was actually going on in my mind. I was able to notice my behavior, my reactions, my emotions, my strengths and my weaknesses. It wasn’t until I had nothing to numb the “craziness” in my head that I realized how scattered I was at times and yet others I was extremely organized. I began to visit my doctors more, meditate longer and write daily. I had intimate conversations with my husband about what was going on in my head. How I struggled to get things done when I don’t know how I need to do it. I struggle writing in words that make sense to anyone other than me. And now I know why.
As I began to let go of the numbing things in my life, I began to bring in higher vibrating habits. I got back into strength training, running, it seems that is one of the things that helps me declutter my thoughts. I began to meditate consistently, not allowing any excuse to stop me from practicing and I began to watch more closely what I was eating.
My last visit to my internist led her to believe that I should be re-evaluated for ADD. I had been diagnosed with slight ADD when I was a trainer at Equinox many years ago. I took her advice because I could feel like something was just not right. A few days ago I got the results. Yup, I had ADD, actually high-level ADD but what was surprising is that she diagnosed me with ADHD. That made me really sad, confused and well, sad. I had been so hard on myself for so long on why I didn’t understand things or why I couldn’t read a book. When I was in middle school I remember walking out of the class because I felt like I was going to go insane. I went to the bathroom 100 times a day just to get out. I began high school and begged them to put me in special ed where my friends were because I felt like the work they were doing was more comprehensive than what I was learning. And now here I was with a better understanding of how my brain works.
Yesterday was the first day since my diagnosis that the scatteredness in my brain began to happen. I had a few administrative things to do that required me to focus and so I moved the papers from here to there and back again until finally, I decided to take a nap. I am so grateful I created a company that allows me to work from home at times and some freedom to take a break. I know that people like my husband gets frustrated because he feels like we have to stop coddling, but if we can why shouldn’t we?
As I go on this journey of personal growth and self-actualization I know that I am going to find out more and more about, how much I had to overcome, and how I did things that would seem challenging but I did it anyway. My mom’s reaction to my diagnosis was
Well they are quick to put a label on people now a days.
At first, I was disappointed because if she knew me like really knew me she would know that I was always hyper and easily distracted. Then I surrendered her comment. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t belong to me. I am finally at the mercy of my own judgments not the opinions of others and it feels good.
I was sad because I had been so hard on myself. I am happy because now I just go
Oh boy. My head a little scattered today. It’s a day for whatever.
And like my husband says,
Just create a list of what needs to get done and let go of the rest.
So I did just that yesterday and today I tackled college apps, insurance forms, and work. I did some writing and meditating. I have no intention of medicating myself but I know now why people do. Becuase if they don’t have the time and space, then it’s difficult to say
Today I can’t go to work because my brain is a bit scattered.
I do have a little routine that seems to be getting me to not be caught up in the scatteredness of my brain for too long. Here it is. Of course if you decide to do any of these, talk to your doctor first. What works for me may not work for you and hopefully, you have a good doctor that understands your needs.
- vit D
- vit B complex
- vit C
These are my go to and when all fails, like it did yesterday I surrender and take a break. I find something to do that doesn’t require much of my brain space like connecting, shopping, researching, and other things. There are always plenty of things to do that keep us in a higher vibrational frequency and allows us to continue to go into the path of personal growth.
I recommend learning about how your brain works and your gut health so that you are feeling more at peace with the way you are getting things done.